Let me first of all explain what being ‘clocked’ is in the context of being transgender. It’s when someone recognises that you are transgender. Now this probably happens every day of my life but if people say nothing, I never know. When however they say something to you to let you know that they know well that’s a different story and that’s what happened to me at the gym on Saturday (22/04/2017) lunch time.
I do have a defence mechanism to help me deal with such occasions and to be honest it’s the first time its happened since last summer and I wrote about that occasion in my blogs. This mechanism which I put into action since then is to just assume mentally that everyone knows. This means that most of the time I have a positive mental state as the vast majority of the time I have no problems at all.
Today was different though. I joined the gym just over 3 weeks ago. I never had the confidence before surgery. For obvious reasons my anatomy would have been a dead giveaway in the changing rooms. I knew that as soon as I was fit and able I would be joining a gym. So I took the leap and I have been going around 3 times a week ever since.
This is dead different to going out in mainstream places, dressed appropriately and wearing makeup. When I go to the gym I have no makeup at all. I choose to shower and change there and that means stripping naked. Clearly I am not alone in this. The changing facilities are open plan. One thing I have noticed is that women are much more discrete in the changing rooms. Unlike men they stay naked for the minimum amount of time possible and generally don’t hang around too long unless they are drying hair or putting makeup on after. So I behave in the same way. I learnt quickly. When I wash my hair and put a face on after, of course I am there longer also.
So in the 3 weeks or so since I joined I have had no problems at all and to be honest Saturday lunchtime was not a problem as such, it just reminded me that I am not always getting away with it all the time. I have started going to classes. Body pump, Pilates and Bums Legs and Tums are the three classes I am enjoying. Spinning is off limits at the moment as I am not sure I can sit on a saddle for a while yet. So what it means is I am able to socialise with the other ladies. Get to know them and talk to them before and after the classes. Only in passing you understand but none the less it is nice. I have also purchased a swimming costume and whilst I have not been in the pool yet I do use the Jacuzzi, Steam room and Sauna. This is a perfect way to unwind after a hard class and gives me more time to interact.
It’s funny, just before I was “clocked” I was chatting to a lady in the sauna who was commenting on my tattoos. We got chatting and I was telling her about a cover up I had to have of my ex’s name on the base of my spine which I converted, with my design into my very own personal tramp stamp. Her retort to me was “did ‘he’ have your name on his spine”. To which I replied “yes of course”. There was no need for me to correct her.
So what happened in the changing rooms? Well one of my fellow body pumpers was very chatty. So I was passing the time of the day with her whilst I was trying to dry my hair. She beckoned me to one side and said “just so you know, it’s cool, no one else has clocked”. I went red I guess, played it down, but she gave me a cuddle, a reaffirming cuddle and we carried on getting ready. She could have said nothing, she should have said nothing but she did and it was done.
It could of been a whole lot worse I think but again, realisation that I can be ‘clocked’ still. I asked her what was the sign. “My voice”! God I have to work on this more. I thought my voice was sort of ok but clearly it needs work. Now if she had said to me “darling you are quite tall, or you have no arse, or your shoulders would look good on a line backer for the New England Patriots, or your tits just defy gravity and are too far apart” I would have sort of understood. But my voice. Damn! I need to work on that.
All in all, not a bad experience, but worth writing a few words about it.
Veronica Mead 